Additions To The Shit Test Compendium

Chateau Heartiste

Shit tests, like boobs, come in all shapes and sizes. But, also like boobs, shit tests all share a basic structure. You won’t ever confuse a boob for a foot, for instance. Similarly, you won’t confuse a shit test for loving affection.

Continuing with the CH series of posts compiling the likely shit tests men will hear often from women into a convenient playabase, a reader offers his noteworthy additions. Editorial comment added at will.

Good day

I wanted to share with you some of the shit tests Ive received lately from women and my effective responses I must add have been very successful.

Are you a player?
Yeah I play alot of guitar, mostly pink floyd, but i like guns’n roses as well. Do you play any instruments ?

This is cutesy. Nothing wrong with that, it can work, but I prefer a more direct, and cockier, angle of approach…

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The Dark Lord

Chateau Heartiste

Damian called me for some advice.

Damian: So Mirabelle* [ed: no real names used] cancelled for Friday and said something came up, but she’d be OK with getting together on Sunday. Another girl playing hard to get. Any sage advice Senor StuffAMuff?

Me: You’ve been on one date and you’re already scheduling a weekend night? And she’s younger than you. And cute. She’s got prospects. You’re not going to get anywhere playing Don Juan whispering sweet nothings and amping up the romantic vibe. She’s only got a toe in the water. My advice… Like a fighter jet in a dive, pull back! Don’t try to impress her with your unstoppable silverback pursuit. You’ve gotta play the game my friend. With the especially valuable girls (young, pretty) it’s not enough to refrain from being beta; you must also fill the void with alpha. Breach the touch zone early, then stop touching her for a while…

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A-hole Game: Day 3

Chateau Heartiste

Previously: Asshole Game: Day 1 and Asshole Game: Day 2

Uncaring asshole game will revitalize a flagging relationship and help keep the love strong.

One weeknight around 1 AM I got a frantic call from my girlfriend. She wailed that she had gotten into an accident and needed help. Looking over at my clock and realizing it was six hours until I had to get up for work, I sighed heavily and asked her if the accident was serious. She cried. “Whaat?? I don’t know, yes it’s serious! I don’t know what to do!” I told her to calm down and explain what happened. Between her sobs I could piece together the events. She had driven back from a job and was parallel parking on a street in her neighborhood close to her home, which was about a twenty minute walk from my place. In the process of parking, she…

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A-hole Game: Day 2

Chateau Heartiste

Asshole game with 25 year old foreign girlfriend

Her: I love Indian culture. The dancing, the colorful dresses, the religion…

Me: You love Bollywood? There’s no accounting for taste.

Her: [getting seriously agitated] Shut up! The Indian culture is beautiful.

Me: Hey, there’s an Indian guy who lives down the street. Go knock yourself out. You can get some of his culture long and hard.

Her: You’re an ignorant American. A child. What do you know.

Me: I know you’re being annoying.

Later — pussy dripping sex.

Asshole game with bartender chick

Me: [looking at her new hairstyle with a grimace] What did you do to your hair!?

Her: I got bangs! Jesus, fuck you.

Me: It doesn’t work for me.

Three months later — pussy dripping sex. And free drinks.

Asshole game with heavily tattooed chick in indie club

Me: Hi.

Her: [sighing] Just to let you know up…

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A-hole Game: Day 1

Chateau Heartiste

This week I will discuss Asshole Game. There is no sugarcoating it; being an asshole works on women, all women, most of the time. Any man who has lived a day in his life and isn’t self-deluded by equalist ideology or chick flic romanticism knows this is true, even those PUA “love gurus” who unctuously sermonize that what women really want are “strong confident men” minus the asshole part. Save your holier-than-thou moralizing and desperate attempts to discredit asshole game by falsely claiming it only appeals to low self esteem girls. We’re going to discuss what works, not what should work.

I’ve written before about how effective asshole game is at attracting and keeping your women in line. If you’ve been in a rut, or you’re having troubles with your girlfriend (almost always instigated by the girl), acting like an asshole is the quickest and most efficient way to set things straight…

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Extreme Disqualification Game

Chateau Heartiste

We sat in a window box of the cafe. Warming sunlight marched through and glittered off her black hair. As I spoke absent-mindedly about a girl I loved whom I recently lost, barely comprehending in my stream of consciousness that I was airing my inner thoughts, a sunshaft grazed her cheek and I saw that she was silently crying. Two soft tears traced slowly downward, framed within an expressionless face. The effect hit me hard, not because it was the first time I made a woman cry from sheer carelessness, but because her tears were so incongruent with her personality. She was an Ivy-educated business consultant, easily turning six figures, ambitious, sure of herself in ways she thought mattered, and to the undiscerning eye cold and opaque.

She was also pretty, but the timing of our fling threw her orbit away from mine. Pleasing enough, she regrettably didn’t press my…

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What To Say To A Girl Who Asks You A Question You Don’t Want To Answer

Chateau Heartiste

Reader Andy writes:


I like the blog and have picked up some tips. Thanks.

I have a great tip for you based on a recent post. You talked about how “it’s complicated” is a great answer to a majority of shit test questions. It’s OK, but I have the mother of [all] responses. [Editor: MOAR!] You have to use it sparingly though to make it most effective.  I was taught this in sales training many years ago.

When someone askes you a question you might not want to answer (for whatever reason, or no reason at all) you respond with “why is that important for you to know?”.

It totally moves them from aggressive to defensive.

If you’re an older guy and a chick asks “how old are you?” you say immediately “why is that important for you to know?”, what could she possibly say in response? If you think…

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